Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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