My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
