Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
