Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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