just tell him i said nine months
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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