At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
