So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Rumble strips road head = magical
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
