I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize