you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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