I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
