Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
