dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
