Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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