My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
