her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
