Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
