Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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