did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
They are going to name an STD after you.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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