I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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