jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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