just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize