I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
