I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
