Got a toothbrush?
Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize