the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm too high and old for this...
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
