i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
