martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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