Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
