she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
