dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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