I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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