no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
