my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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