I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
