I think I won the penis lottery.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
