hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
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