it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize