And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Send help, water and tortillas.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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