I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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