Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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