I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
and i looked up. we had an audience...
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
