you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
