I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
