I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
