Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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