Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
