Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize