i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
