Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I stole a fireplace last night.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
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