i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
