I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
