I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
