We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
