Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
