dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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