I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
