Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
