I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
