I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
